A different place doesn't mean a different you

There's probably a million quotes and sayings that basically boil down to the title of this post. We know they are true, most of us have lived them, and each time we think it will be different. There's a whole cadre of #vanlifers, digital nomads, retired Class A warriors, rubber and leather tramps, dirtbags, hiker trash, and general vagabonds that have been traveling to run away from themselves rather than to find themselves (whether they admit it or not).

Am I one of them?

An ennui set in after my last post. This ennui quickly lead to boredom, dissatisfaction, and self loathing. The self loathing won out, as it is apt to do. And for a heartbeat, I let it.

Big mistake. When self loathing wins, even for a short period, the next days (and sometimes weeks) are like a hangover as you try to find the shards of you your own mind hasn't destroyed. Hm, maybe that's just me, I don't know.

I "locked" myself in my room (aka: I hid behind the curtain that makes the door of my carved out bedroom in this tiny apartment). I played stupid phone games while crying until my head swam and my stomach was in knots. (Note: One can get all the feelings of motion sickness, including vertigo and nauseousness, simply while playing stupid phone games while laying on your stomach and bawling.) I scrawled out long diatribes as I tried to process and understand the root of my misery.

And then I recovered.

It's true, going to a different place doesn't necessarily change who we are on a fundamental level. We still have to wrestle the bears that live in our subconscious and deal with all our real and self imposed shortcomings. 

I'm still wrestling my bears, but I did come to some conclusions and drafted a few resolutions. My bears and I are calmly sharing tea and discussing territory issues now, which is a vast improvement from the carnival sideshow we were putting on.

Conclusion #1: I don't know what I want

For some reason, this was the hardest one. I know some stuff I want, but the big things elude me. The future is just as  murky to me now as it was when I was a freshly minted adult. I'm starting to think that maybe the issue is with me -- I shouldn't focus on the big things.

When I really stopped to think about it, I realized that the bulk of my adulthood has been spent in varying levels of crisis mode. So while I could sit and dream big as a means of mental escape, I never think about the life between the crisis and some amorphous future utopia. This results in putting the "utopia" on a pedestal that poor me can never achieve, so why try? Cue the self sabotage.

Conclusion #2: I'm my own worst enemy

#1 lead directly into the second conclusion, another trite quote. I self sabotage because my so-called complete plans play out in reality like something from the South Park underwear gnomes:

Step 1: Underwear
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit!

What the fuck, Jen? Where's step 2?! So when life is giving me nothing but stanky underwear, I eventually give up because there is no way I can profit from it. Then, I go down my well worn
 route of self destruction (typically - and fortunately - fiscal self destruction. This could be so much worse if my weapon of choice was drugs, alcohol, violence, etc).

Conclusion #3: You can't skip steps

It may seem like some people skip steps, but they don't. Some have steps skipped for them, like our current Idiot in Chief, which leads to them achieving a step 3, true, but at what cost? Some people only spend a short time on step 2, while others, like me, spend almost a lifetime on step 1. You have to spend a little bit of time on each step, I think, for the profit to actually profit you.

So I'm at step 1. I only have an amorphous idea of what step 3 is, and I need some solid step 2s. Let's go deeper, shall we?

The Underwear Gnomes Blueprint to Life

Yeah, I'm going to ridge this Underwear Gnome thing for as far as it will take me!

The UG keep it simple -- step 1 is steal underwear.

What's the underwear that I need for step 1? Simple, I need to get the fuck out of crisis mode. To do this, we need an emergency fund that is actually an emergency fund, and not an "oh fuck, we are short this month dip in to pay the bills" fund. So here's how step 1 actually breaks down:

Step 1: Steal Underwear
step 1a: save up a $1,000 emergency fund
step 1b: save up one month's worth of expenses
step 1c: maintain quality of life while doing so

Easy-peasy, right? Typically, no. I've achieved a,b, & c separately, but rarely together.

Fortunately, seeing the problem is the first step to solving it.

Step 1: THE PLAN
step 1a: We are a bit behind here, because I don't have the cash for the bills let alone an emergency fund. Sooo, Mo and I are putting in extra work for our clients and cutting expenses to the bone to catch up bills and get that 1k in the bank by the end of September. It's going to be hard, but what's 30 days when it's the rest of our lives at stake? Step 1a should be achieved by Oct. 1st.

step 1b: I'll be honest, we get to cheat here a little bit. I have a bit of grant money coming in at the end of September, money in excess of my tuition, books, and fees. This money will be squirreled away in the bank so we can be one month ahead on expenses.

step 1c: This is where it all often falls apart. Life becomes a drudgery of work. This is where I was when I had my breakdown a few days ago. Why bother? Why live somewhere beautiful when life stays exactly the same? Simple, remember how to play. Find joy in the mundane. Celebrate where you are in the ways that you can. I'll delve more into this in a bit.

So step 1 boils down to a lot of work mixed with a suitable amount of non-self sabotaging play. Awesome! What about step 2? Those question marks don't look very promising -- because they aren't. But, they also leave the whole wide world open, so maybe they are useful after all.

Step 2: ??????
Step 2a: Find joy responsibly
Step 2b: Set solid step 3 goals and work towards them DAILY
Step 2c: Revisit 2b often

Step 2 is skipped because it's the hardest. It becomes the day-to-day drudgery if you aren't careful. False senses of accomplishments can ricochet you back to step 1 very easily, especially in the beginning. If you have a single question mark in your step 2, it's going to be a lot harder to get beyond it.

Step 2: THE PLAN
Step 2a: This is the hard one, especially living in a new town. It's also easy, especially because we are in a new town. We need something to look forward to after long days of working on our steps. But, they can't be things that sabotage our steps. I've found giving ourselves something to look forward to each day, even something as simple as a hike, works well.

Step 2b & 2c: Honestly, we are still working through step 2b. We have some step 3 daydreams, but they need to be turned into hard goals with deadlines still. Currently, working on 2b is one of the things we are doing as part of step 2a, so I think it will work out. Once we have more decisive step 3 items, we will make a weekly date to discuss and adjust them as needed.

So step 3, then, correct? Our little gnomes are pretty vague here. What exactly is profit? What comes after? I've never even made it in spitting distance of step 3, so I'm not sure I am qualified to speak on it, but I shall try.

Step 3: Profit!!
For many people, profit is retirement. It may be an amorphous idea of retirement, or one with solid plans like sailing around the world or playing golf everyday. But is retirement the right plan? I'm not sure. This brings us to our burgeoning plan.

Step 3: LIVE!!!
There's a few things we know we do want:

• Income independence -- be in a place where lack of funds does not define our goals.
• Location independence -- never be trapped by place again. 
• Some major hiking goals -- I want to do a thru-hike, Mo wants to summit Baker. We have quite a few physical goals between us.
• Change/impact the world -- we're in an ecological crisis people. My overriding goal is to do something about it. This is why I am in school. 

I'm not sure at this point how step 3 is going to work out. Much of it is likely dependent on income independence, the FI part of dirtbagFI, so that is where we are focusing while the rest is in development. Turning pipe dreams into day dreams and then into reality is actually hard work!

CONCLUSION

I think we will be okay, now. Finally. We are changing our life, thanks in part to being finally, finally in the right place. Steps 1c and 2a will be keys to this, in addition to good ol' fashioned hard work. As promised, a few ways we are doing this:

• We're making plans for 2 days out at a time, using as many free resources as possible. Having something to look forward to is important. Having plans, even if you end up canceling them, is the ultimate luxury. A few examples:

•  If it's within two miles, we walk. Saves gas, car wear & tear, the environment, and gives us something enjoyable to do.
• Every Wednesday we have a standing date to walk to the library, pick up the free local rag (Cascadia), walk along the boardwalk, and spend a couple of bucks on coffee (budget permitting). 
• There's a couple of game nights designed to meet people at a local board game pub. We're budgeting for a couple of drinks a week so we can nurse them and participate.
• There's a climate action group that meets monthly at another pub. We're also budgeting a couple drinks to check this out.
• We're using Spotify to learn the local music scene so we can start taking advantage of some of the free shows constantly going on.
• Lots of hiking. Minimum 5 miles a day. All this walking and hiking will help us with some step 3 goals, as well.
• When we transition into step 2, there are some more involved training goals to hit. Brainstorming and researching ways to do these inexpensively is part of step 1 right now.
• We ain't buying it. Other than some modest entertainment dollars for a drink here or there, as well as food, we simply aren't buying it. 
• We have a short list of stuff we need, so we are enjoying the scavenger hunt of trawling student dumping sites. We furnished much of our apartment this way. Still looking for a dresser and shoe rack. Thus far, have collected a multitude of shelves, a cat tree, a monitor, dorm mattress pad (for Teach), a pasta pot, couple of desk chairs, sheet set, vacuum, some clothing, and a fan. The goal is to buy nothing outside of food and hygiene items for the foreseeable future. It's a fun challenge, actually.
• We're trying out creative third places. Our balcony has become one that is close to home. Sitting out there talking or playing games is actually nice. Since we are in an apartment complex, we get some people watching in. We also have a couple of beachside parks we enjoy, either to talk, walk, or toss the frisbee around. 
• Seriously, walking everywhere. Even small errands must be planned for. In part, this leads to deciding it's not worth it sometimes. Other times, it is an event that is planned for. Walking routes are chosen, other errands are batched together, fun side trips are planned. It's awesome, actually.
• Being creative. Things come up that should cost a lot. Things we either can't or don't want to give up. So, we have to be creative.
• Our annual Olympic park backpacking trip is next week. Last year we spent $500. This year I budgeted $125. Instead of a hotel to cap off each end, we are staying at a fancy campground near the tidepools for $12 (tent site). Then, we have ferry fees ($30) and wilderness permits ($24). The rest will cover a big breakfast at a favorite diner the morning before hitting the trail (~$20) and lunch and a flight of beers to share at our customary post-hike taphouse afterwards (~$25). Since we are just 3 hours away from the destination now, we aren't staying an additional night after the hike before driving home. I also make our backpacking food in my dehydrator. We'll spend less on food backpacking than we normally do on groceries for the same period of time.
• Teach turns 19 Friday. He wants little but everyone needs to feel celebrated. We'll do cake, ice cream, and his favorite home cooked meal. We are giving him a basket of his favorite junk food treats to take with him to the dorms. (The gift and food effectively cost nothing, because I worked their cost into our normal food budget). He put in requests for two movies he wants to watch as a family. One is available for free on Hulu, the other is $1.99 on Prime, so easy enough. A creative, fun movie marathon birthday for nearly nothing.
• Teach shared a birthday with my father, whom passed away in 2014. Ever since, he has given my mom a yellow rose (my parent's wedding flower) on his birthday every year to honor his grandfather. It means a lot to Teach. A whole lot. He doesn't have the cash for floral delivery, nor do we, so this was going to be the first year he was unable to do it. He was devastated. BUT, we found a solution. He made a gorgeous card, featuring a yellow rose, for my mom. I found a glass ornament bezel, left over from a different project, in my sewing basket. I quickly embroidered a yellow rose and mounted it in the bezel. It's small and light enough to slip into the card for the cost of one Forever Stamp, which I have. Teach gets to continue his tradition and is at peace.

None of this is earth shattering, but all of it is awesome. We are awesome. We will be okay.